How The Fuck Can I Be White? I Don't Even Exist!

So, for a while now there have been some theories that the Eminem we know today is actually a clone that has replaced the real Slim Shady. I have come to you today to confirm said theories. You see, years ago he was transported to the alien planet that the Z-Comics take place on to take part in a virtual reality simulation so that THE Z0NE could earn their Shooter Gym badges. The Hip-Hop Illuminati of course covered it up afterwards to prevent media uproar by creating a (apparently obvious) clone to replace him, and infusing his lyrics with cryptic messages revealing his true whereabouts. 

 

You can see it all happen in my Z-Comic #1 post. I promise Issue #2 will be up soon...?

Crossfire

There was a fun little game soldiers liked to play in Southeastern Europe during the 90's. On this night, the subjects would be five NATO captives and one from the KLA resistance. All six sat handcuffed across from each other in a circular dirt pit, perhaps about six feet deep, ten feet in diameter. Soon enough, one of the guards came down into the pit on a small step ladder. He began to draw a six-pointed star onto the ground with a can of spray paint, then he handed out six unloaded revolvers to each of the prisoners, then he climbed out of the pit and threw everyone a single bullet. As he did this, he explained the rules, "Gentlemen, the pit you are now sitting in is soon to become your grave." he opened with in the best amount of broken English he could muster, "Well, not for all you. If all goes to plan, there should be one of you left to deliver a message for us. The rules are very simple:

Quick & Painless Reviews: Ryse: Son of Rome

Six hours and ten minutes.

That is how long it took this game to install to a state where I was able to access the single player campaign. There is a point where one glaring problem negates the quality of the overall product. I don't care about the game's flashy visuals and repetitive combat anymore; the game is broken due to install time alone.

But who gets the shit review for it? The game itself, or the Xbox One? This seems to be an issue with most Xbox One games after all. However, I don't feel it's necessary to install 47GB of uncompressed data into your console's hard drive. I don't think console owners should need to clean up their hard drive after installing nine or ten games, then having to subject themselves to hours of installation again when they want to replay those games. The developer of these games shouldn't consider this okay, and so, even though the Xbox One is a garbage console in its current state, Ryse is still a broken game for playing along with it.

I know what some people are thinking: "It didn't take me that long." From the anecdotes I've seen on various message boards, the lowest install time for Ryse was 57 minutes. The highest I've seen someone give a number to was around nine hours.

9 hours isn't okay.
6 hours and 10 minutes isn't okay.
57 minutes still isn't okay.

1/10 isn't okay.





EDIT: 5 hours and 5 minutes to complete single player.