Spam

Just some inside info for our other contributors, and also I guess a somewhat "behind-the-scenes" look for our actual readers. The LBC actually gets spammed with a fair amount of comments, but you never see them since Google seems to do a good job filtering them all out. Regardless, I still get the notices in my inbox. Here's a couple of the recent ones that replied to the "Blog Updates" post:

People like to get paid by posting junk blogs and commenting on others' garbage (including ours), but since they only get paid a couple cents per click, it just makes much more sense to program bots to do it. Unfortunately that doesn't seem to be working out too well for them nowadays. Sadly these bots sound almost sincere, and I'm a little depressed that Google would rather do away with them since having them around would at least make it seem like this blog isn't a big circlejerk.

 UPDATE:

Bearded Dragon Likes Play-Doh

A video of me playing around with my friend's pet bearded dragon.

Blog Updates

The LBC has passed its first year online, and now that we have a decent collection of content, I've added a "Feature Articles" menu to the side of the page for quick access to our main series of blogs. It's the thingy that looks like this:

Speaking of content: I apologize if it feels like we've been too review-heavy lately. The main intention of this blog was to focus on art and writing, and to have things like reviews be secondary. However, back in late April, I sustained a severe sprain to my left thumb, which belongs to my writing hand. This has greatly hindered my ability to hold a pencil, let alone draw anything. Recovery has been slow, but I now have what I estimate is about 75% of the mobility back in my thumb. I'm guessing/hoping that in a couple months I'll have full use of my left hand again and will be able to contribute more art to this website.

Quick & Painless Reviews: Triple Game Slam Jam

I've just had a fuckload of games fall in my lap over the last couple of days. Apart from the three I'm reviewing, I also have to get around to playing through Sleeping Dogs, Resident Evil 6, Metal Gear Solid: Peace Walker, and XCOM: Enemy Unknown (2012) over the next week. Let's hurry up and get this slobberknocker started:

Survival Crisis Z

Thanks Moby Games. I'm too lazy to take screenshots.

Now we all know James Silva is a lazy cunt who should stop making casual Xbox Live Arcade games so that he can finish the more superior looking Survival Crisis X. He should also hire some good artists (but who are the garbage men and woman of this blog to judge?). But you've probably read this on just about every blog you've seen feature this game, so let's just try and talk about the game itself.

This game was a little ahead of its time in 2004. It was released just before open world games officially became "a thing," and it manages to be better at it than 95% of the games that try it today. Also, until DayZ and The War Z are finished, this is probably the only game that's pulled off open world zombie survival well. It also has that old indie game quirk of having unlockable mini-games hidden in its files, like Asteroids, Columns, and a little text adventure game.

Did I mention that this game has balls? You can set the difficulty to "Hardcore," and the setting actually is hardcore. If your character dies under this setting, that's it, your character is dead forever and his profile gets erased. It brings back the fear of death that many recent survival horror games have forgotten about. Of course, the human/zombie sprites in this game look like ass, and I'm surprised there haven't been any mods (that I could find) that improved upon that, but if you can get over that, running around town, taking over strongholds, doing missions, and, uh, surviving is mega fun. Probably in the Top 15 of zombie games that are now plentiful this gen.


Cortex Command

This fucking game has been in development longer than Survival Crisis Z has been out, and almost as long as Duke Nukem Forever took. Now, does this game's quality reflect eleven years of development...? Not necessarily, but it's shitton better that Duke Nukem Forever is. This is probably the best side-scrolling strategy game since Worms: Armageddon, and it even surpasses it in several ways. The campaign mode is similar to Risk, except in how it's not a terrible board game and makes the idea of Risk fun. The menus and help windows keep getting in my goddamn way when I'm trying to click something on the world map, but the controls are, for the most part, fine when I'm actually in battle.


Superbrothers: Sword & Sorcery EP

Now my review of Zombie Survival Z kind of makes me sound like one of those retro-gaming faggots. I'd just like to make it clear that this is definitely not the case. Though there are indeed older gems that have withstood the test of time, I think games are slowly getting better. That said, shit comes from both sides of the spectrum; most games were bad then and most games are bad now. The difference between then and now is that many of the great games of yesteryear were by the big developers, whereas now it seems many of the well-made titles are coming from new developers, and even indie studios. Even then there's some bullshit. Some of the most successful indie games that have come out recently use crappy, big-pixel graphics in an attempt to look retro. That's weird, because when I think of almost any "good" retro-era video game, they all had great art direction and tried the best they could to push the hardware to present the most beautiful graphics possible. What these indie games are doing now doesn't look "retro;" it looks like shit.

Rant aside, Superbrothers: Sword & Sorcery EP isn't one of them. Some of the sprites do have a derpy over pixelated style about them, but as you can even see from the screenshot above, the designers have gone out of their way to render some fascinating environments... and that's not even a good example of what this game looks like. The animations are very fluid, and the moody soundtrack is on par with Sonic Generations as the best video game soundtrack of 2011.

The story is kind of your archetypal "collect this sacred something-or-other to save the world" affair, but it's presented in a neat way. In the first chapter, your character finds a magical book that allows you to literally read people's thoughts, which is often a tool in solving puzzles. There is also a fourth wall breaking narrator character simply named "The Archetype" who adds a so-called "quicky David Lynch" flavour to the plot. The gameplay itself is a mix of point-and-click adventure and timing based combat. It was designed with the iPad in mind, so everything is controlled with the mouse. You double-click or hold the left mouse button down in the direction you want your character move, and you use different motions with your cursor to manipulate the environment around you. When combat occurs, you are given two icons: a sword and a shield. You click the shield to block and click the sword to attack. Sometimes the shield icon will flash, requiring you to click in time to dodge an unblockable attack. Everything in the fight is based on timing, and knowing when you should either attack or defend. It's quite fun and does a good job of livening up the mood after bouts of wandering.

It is also one of those games that takes advantage of your computer's clock to affect certain aspects of the game. Parts of the game cannot be completed unless the Earth's moon is at a specific phase. You can change the date on your computer if you want to speedrun through, but you won't be able to achieve a 100% completion rating. Personally, I'm going to wait the fifteen days until the moon reaches the right phase to complete the third level, because, like I said, I have a fuckload of other games to play.

The Winner

All of these games are great and must be played, but out of the three the most honourable is...

The Untitled Painting.

Another painting of mine. I hope the picture isn't too foggy to see the details. 

So, there is no long story or a story at all behind this. I just started painting this to get my painting cravings out.  

Enjoy!


I can't seem to think of an appropriate title for this. So, I've decided to leave it untitled. Each their own interpretation. 

Corruption.

Thursday I decided to go and buy new paints, since the ones I have are shitty. In the store I was pretty much sitting the art supply aisle and rambling out loud, "That isn't the right colour" and, " What the fuck is the difference between wicker white and titanium white?" What? They look the same to me.  

I don't know why they just don't have your basic primary colours. So,  I decided to go with lipstick red, daffodil yellow, bright ultramarine,  titanium white, and pure black. They did the trick.  

When I started painting, I originally had it on it's side, and just planned to paint whatever came to mind. You know, because it my way of rebelling against the idea of people being sooo precise when they paint. Gotta stay within the lines right? Well, Fuck the lines! 

Anyhow, the concept isn't new. I have like three other paintings from this little world I tend to go back to. I think I'm going to make into an album. I don't have an official title for it yet.. but I imagine I'll have one for it soon. It'll probably come to me when I get back into the groove.  

Review: E L James' Fifty Shades of Grey, and Darker

Prelude:

I started reading this book without any information on it what-so-ever, until I got myself a copy of it. To my discovery, this book that everyone has been talking about, is actually an erotic novel. It is also fairly new, and part one of a trilogy. Last discovery but not least, there is an earlier version of it somewhere online. I'm not interested in checking it out but, with that being said I was hopeful for a hole-less story.

Reading the text:

I was eager to get to the bottom of this book, and with my book worm tendencies: I started reading it the moment I got it; just to get it started. I must say, it was a very smooth read. I would go and sit down intending to only read one chapter, to actually end up reading three. I think the some of the wording could have been better, like some of descriptive details. But hey! Each their own opinion.

The story:

So the story goes: An university student, Anastasia Steele, interviews a millionaire, Christian Grey, for her school's news paper. As he is one of the benefactor of the university, will be conferring the degrees at her class' graduation.

Anastasia is as innocent as they come, and is your typical independent and smart lady. Christian on the other hand, is a control freak with issues. Besides that, your typically guy. Undeniable attraction happens between the two, andddd yeah.

Opinion:

Okay, so this book makes me feel Bi-polar! Not because we are reading from Anastasia's point of view into discovering sex and all that. I'm talking the whole book. Like there were chapters I liked, and chapters I disliked. There were moments I enjoyed, and other moments that were just.. annoying or just plain awkward.

Another thing I noticed was the originality of the story. Some events, minor character traits, small details, and location all remind me of another book, (that I'm not going to mention), that disgusted me. BUT, on the flipped side, the author's own stuff was alright.

Now the main characters: Anastasia and Christian, they swayed back and forth with being relate-able characters, to not so much. More Christian, than Anastasia though. Christian, as I said, would be your typically guy. Like he actually remind me of a particular someone, but then, he would have this twist around and do things that wouldn't actually happen. The problem with Anastasia's character is that, she came off a little too perfect, and didn't have any flaws.

I can definitely  say that, this is not a love story. Sure, romantic things do happen, but considering what this was leading up to.... love was not concept here. Above all, I was hoping for this book to be darker.

Verdict:

I give this book 2 and half spankings out of 5 spankings. For making me Bi-polar and undecided if I really want to bother with the other books.

Extra:

Yeah, quick little Google search, and stumble upon this. 

The Hollywood Reporter: Bret Easton Ellis wanted to write the screen play for 50 Shades.

Shades Darker: Opinion and Verdict.

So, I finally decided to read the second part of the Fifty Shades series. Hey! I got it at discount price.

Anyhow, remember all that stuff I said earlier? Well, turns out that my opinion on the first book, does NOT reach the second one. I'm basically saying it proves to be better. Like Anastasia has flaws now! And Christian's characters makes sense as well. And the author's writing is more of her own story. Is it darker? I guess it is by their own standards. (I guess my definition of darker borderlines with Horror... Hey! I like my romance horrors! xP)

After awhile, I don't why, (Besides the names) but Christian Grey in my mind started to be recognized as Christian Bale. When I think of Christian Bale, I think either of Bruce Wayne or Patrick Bateman. So, Christian Grey started coming off as Batman to me. Since we are reading from Anastasia point of view, when Christian went off to his own thing: That was when he went off to be Batman. xD

Another thing I've noticed is that, (As I mentioned, These books are in Anastasia point of view) The way it is written is that, Anastasia, has three conflicting side of her personality:Herself, Her Subconscious, and her, "Inner Goddess." Sound familiar? In Psychology, particularly Freud relating thinking, there is three sides to a person's personality: Ego, Super ego, and Id.

1. Logical thinking; 
1. Ego: Herself
2. Moralistic thinking; 
1. Super Ego: Her subconscious
3. Instinctive thinking; 
1. Id: Inner Goddess            

Unlike everything else, I thought what the author did there was pretty interesting. I don't think I've ever read a book with defined personality aspects emerged into one point of view.

Verdict:

Start over with Three good spankings out of Five good spankings.

Extra:

There has been this buzzed going around how Fifty Shades will have a movie franchise. I think it's ridiculous, I really don't want to see this series to explode like Harry Potter, Twilight, The Hunger Games, and so on, and so forth. It would just ruin it, making it lame and disgraceful. Yes, disgraceful.

But if it does turn into a movie I can also see that, Ian Somerhalder, from Rules of Attraction, and Vampire Diaries. (Also books that turned into viewing materials) to portray Christian Grey. As for Anastasia alot of people say, Angelina Jolie... I'm on the fence with that one though.

IMDB: Fifty Shades Of Grey

 

Quick & Painless Reviews: Binary Domain

The responses I've read about this game from other gamers was that it was your standard cover based third-person shooter, but with a good story. When I watched one of the cinematic trailers months ago, I became pretty excited, basically expecting Snatcher 2012. That said, I made a graph that basically explains the experience one would have if they played this game with the expectations I had:

It's about a 7.5/10. I hear it's starting to drop in bargain bins at this point. Definitely a title worth picking up at a cheap price.

Review: Kaori Yuki's Angel Sanctuary

In recent weeks I've lost my memory stick with all my word documents, power points, pictures, and music. In a sense I'm kind of fucked. Coincidentally, my old disks from 2006 have reappeared again, I was over joyed.

Anyhow, among one of these disks contains Angel Sanctuary: The three episode anime. Originally Angel Sanctuary is a twenty-six volume manga series written and illustrated by Kaori Yuki. The manga is basically about a very conflicted teenage boy, Setsuna Mudo, force into the realization by questionable characters, that he is the reincarnated organic angel Alexiel: Who started a rebellion against God. In pursuit of awaken Alexiel's spirit, certain individual's twisted agendas are revealed, and Setsuna is caught in the middle, as war flares up again between angels and demons.

And that is all I feel that I can't reveal about the series without spoiling it. But yeah, it is about a war raging against angels and demons.

I personally love the manga because, its has little bit of everything. It is, however, a little fucked up, but once you started reading you will be hooked. If you put aside the story line, you will notice that the comic panels are amazing, but together there were moments in the manga that were rather poetic and just great. Besides all that, I had a pretty good laugh too. So there is comic relief to all the seriousness. So, if you want to read it, you should read it. There is no other manga like it.

Now, for the three episode anime. I fucking hated it! The anime does not do it justice what so ever. The three episodes are clearly based on the first three volumes, and I found that whoever decided to make it an anime: Just ended up hacking and cutting a whole lot events, and somewhat important character for the beginning of the manga right out of it. If you were to watch the anime first, you will sit and probably be like, "What is Angel Sanctuary?" They don't tell you what it is, and I think it's totally ripped off. Honestly, I am glad the anime is only three episodes long.

Overall Angel Sanctuary, love it or hate it: Once you have finished reading it, (I do recommend the manga over the anime... clearly), it's going to stick with you. Just talking about it, I almost want to include some panels of my favourite moments and quotes, and even tell you guys who is my favourite character is, but.... I can't, not without spoilers.

Pit Episode 11 : End Of Act 1

I am greeted with a massive array of electronic equipment sitting on shelving twelve feet high, things ranging from radios to televisions all with an eclectic mix of wires, glowing tubes, humming crystals, brass gyroscopes , all seemingly putting of some kind of transmission, I catch a word or two, but between the static and the thousands of devices vying for my attention, I can’t make anything out. The noise isn’t deafening, but very, rich, due to the sheer amount of barely audible gibberish coming from the devices. 

“I stumbled upon something, years ago, and I didn’t know how big it was, for the longest time.

I placed a pocket radio into my “space” , that is what I call wherever it is the things I conceal go, and when it came back I noticed that every so often, no matter how nice the weather, I would get some odd transmission. Didn’t think anything of it, actually took the batteries out and just bought a new radio.

Then a week or so, the thing started playing kind of the same thing, heavy static with barely audible babble underneath, without the aid of actually being powered. 

I knew there was something going on, so I experimented. 

Quick & Painless Reviews: The Grey

First, IMDb's basic description of the plot:

After their plane crashes in Alaska, six oil workers are led by a skilled huntsman to survival, but a pack of merciless wolves haunts their every step. 

... And I'll try to make the rest as quick & painless as possible.

I'm sure if I came across the short story it's based upon first, I might have thought it was kind of neat. Perhaps it left a lot up to mystery, so that the reader could find his own assumptions that would rationalize what was going on, or maybe it at least didn't throw in a bunch of false data about wolves that hunt humans suddenly.

This movie, however, didn't cut it in suspense or action. For some reason, I made myself endure a tale about a bunch of Alaskan hard bodies that are reduced to whimpering children once they're forced to face the hardships that they should be used to already while living up there (sans plane crash). Finally Liam Neeson gets ready to fight an alpha male, kitting himself out to become the biggest badass possible, but then the movie ends during its only potentially redeeming scene.

5/10 on the shame scale.

P.I.T. Episode 11 Part 3

“Strangely, it was the same thing you were asked to do. Nothing. I was given a full, if outdated set of the basics of medicine, and told to do nothing. I had to do some shit to get here, I’m sure you can relate, but after all of that, the Hippocratic oath, well, it felt like all I had left. “ he sounds a bit sad, but I also get a sudden smell, something I don’t like, and as he tries to start a new sentence, the smell gets worse. 

Quick & Painless Reviews: Max Payne 3

Single Player: It brings back the awe that the first game evoked when it brought bullet-time to gaming. On top of that, you now have the Euphoria Engine and explicit gore. Of course there's also the satisfyingly gritty story that comes with it being a Max Payne game. And usually I'm not one to jump all over soundtracks for video games, but the one in this game is amazing.

Multiplayer (v1.02): This game got added to the Major League Gaming circuit, so I figured it would be pretty polished, and when I first started playing it, it really seemed like a new multiplayer community I could get into. But once I was kicked out of the Rookie Team Deathmatch nest I was in for a rude awakening. It's your typical XP grind, thus turning the matches into a rapefest for whoever has the most time on their hands. But it has many more problems than that. If you're not getting completely mowed down by the guy who's two ranks above you, you're getting one-shotted only to find out some laggot was emptying a mag into you the entire time, or you're blown apart by a lag grenade that looked like it was flying in the direction opposite from you up until the point where it stopped at your feet, or you just have a trainwreck in the middle of a shootout because of the clunky Euphoria movement and generally unresponsive controls. If you survive all that, don't sweat; you can still count on being spawn killed ~25% of the time you respawn-- or when someone spawns directly behind you!

I think I'll go back to "competitively" playing bumper cars in the helicopters with other people in GTA IV's free mode, which I think compares to Max Payne 3 in clunkiness and skill.

P.I.T. Episode 11 Section 2

“First, “ Carl says , panting, “ you havn’t been shot my something like this before. 12 different isomers of cyanide coat these little guys, if you breathe, these will stop it, completely illegal, but provided to us, for just this situation. Second, that is called a filter , your not supposed to smoke it past the gold stripe.” His tone is both angry and fearful as he nods his head toward the cigarette.

I look down and see the cigarette burning and melting a bit, still putting off that stench. And suddenly I feel silly, I feel more than silly, I feel dangerous. But not in the way I enjoyed a few weeks ago. I feel like a rabid dog, desperately trying to prove he is still a good pet.  I drop the doc, and sit down. 

Pit Episode 11 Section 1

So a bit of a preface here.

I have had this done for pretty much ever, besides the last few pages, but i , for the life of me cannot figure out any way this chapter can be chunked up for easy reading, and still retain its flow. So instead of letting everyone think i have given up on the series, i am just shitting it out in a random chunking of ten pages every few days until this section is complete. This is the end of what could be called Act one, this is the big reveal, so trying to find a good place to break it up, just isn't going to happen.

So, while reading, keep in mind, it is meant to be taken as one solid piece of writing, but chunked up for ease of reading, and to be more blog friendly. With that in mind, enjoy, Pit Episode 11 ( section 1.)

Dark Hibiscus

Photographed, and photoshopped. This is a flower from my hibiscus. 


I figured I would add this for the sake of Spring. 

Gunhed/Robot Jox/Robot Jox 2 Review

GunHed/Robot Jox/Robot Jox 2  A comparative review

Okay, so to switch it up a bit I am going to be doing a review on a movie that I liked, well loved. But in the search for this film, I also came across one classic Charles Band film, and one piece of shit. Seeing as they are all quite similar, and members of a genre ( Live action mech films.) which has about 6 entries, I thought I would compare and contrast all three films. 

To give a bit of a landmark, a lot is going to be a sliding scale, with Gunhead at the top and RJ2 at the bottom. And the review, is going to be a bit more focussed on Gunhead. So, let’s go.

Yag Decadent and Depraved Tag Cloud

Yagsalvania Is Decadent And Depraved

Forward

Some time in early 2008, I began writing a massive blog that I intended to post on Pedestrian-X, a failed website that was suppose to be content focused, but veered way off track with tons of diary-style entries. This, in a sense, is a large diary, written from an autobiographical standpoint. However, its intention is to publish many of the major stories several members of this blog tell on a frequent basis and to have them all organized into one single article.

The blog's production halted abruptly after chapter 14 (“Oysters and Negative 'R'”) when I had thought that I had run out of material to write and I abandoned publication because I felt it wasn't a worthwhile read overall. Years later, in November of 2011, I would go on to publish the unfinished and unedited material on this blog for nostalgia sake. However, while re-reading it and going through the spelling errors, I remembered enough material that would basically double the content. The blog went on to receive periodical updates and edits, up until this one, which I consider the finished product. 'Just something to keep in mind if you notice a dramatic change in writing style about half way through. 

Be warned: There is a lot of name-dropping in this blog, which often involves the vilification and name calling of various people we've met in the past. Though in some cases it's just us (aka me) being petty, most of the people I'm making fun of in these writings, in my eyes, have wronged me, or my friends, first, and everything I have to say about said subjects, I ensure you, is completely true, if not a tad exaggerated. But I must restate: Sometimes it's for petty reasons... like, really petty. Us who have visited Yagsalvania tend to be decadent and depraved, after all.

Enter the survival horror...

Interstate 151 And The Mystery Surrounding Yagsalvania

It turns out that there's no such thing as an Interstate 151, but there is a Route 151.
























As you can see it runs from the edge of Wisconsin and enters into Iowa. Google Maps lists it as a 239 mile trip, which is a little over a four hour drive. If you still remember the ideas that have been thrown around for the "Interstate 151" drinking game, this should put the fear of God into you. You see, Yagsalvania is a fictional place with an arbitrary travel time, thus allowing someone either one hour, or as long as fifteen hours to get there if they so choose. Route 151 is an actual stretch of highway with actual speed limits that must be obeyed. If the (newly named) Route 151 drinking game were to be played, competitors would be required to do x amount of shots in under four hours. It's a truly extreme game, and not too far off from actually speeding down a highway, considering those who were to aim for even a three hour completion time might run the risk of being arrested, injured, or killed.

Because I don't talk enough about Yagsalvania on this blog, I think it's also worth recapping the mythos of its location. Here's what we know about Yagsalvania:

• It's near the fictional Yee-Haw County, Georgia, and is usually entered by jumping vehicles off a large ramp.
• It's also near the fictional small town of Yagton. The two are only separated by about 30km.
• It's been said to exist in Florida.
• Route 151 runs along Yagsalvania, though those who enter Yagsalvania don't necessarily take that path.

Given all these facts, there are conflicting accounts as to where Yagsalvania is exactly. It could very well be in Florida, as it is next to the state of Georgia, and one could jump a car into the town with a large enough ramp. However, with this new evidence shedding light on the fact that Route 151 runs through Wisconsin and Iowa, Yagsalvania's exact location is now up to about as much interpretation as Springfield.

Pit Episode 10 : Blood, Sweat and Fears

Blood, lots of blood.

There are other things too, I am sure, black chunks that look disturbingly like spoiled jam, bits of shattered bone, and what I can only assume is marrow. But the blood, the blood is that substance that tells us, even if it isn’t our own, that something bad is going down. That nearby some horror is occurring, and one should get out of the situation as quickly as possible. 

Screaming, so much screaming. 

The stone may be sharp, but it is wielded in an inexperienced hand, the cuts miss their mark as much as hit, and more than once, a stout piece of tendon or muscle makes the procedure much more traumatic than it needs to be. 

But all said and done, one could say the operation is a success. As much of a success as any operation done by someone who knows nothing of medicine could be. 

Master of Puppets Beta

Master of Puppets is a multiplayer mod for Doom 2 (Skulltag port). I've recently been playing version 0.5 of the beta. It's pretty popular on Skulltag right now, and I don't know why. This is what its team thought was a good idea:

Let's make a mod that pits players against other players who can possess the monster sprites, except

• They can possess any monster
• There's no respawn counter in between monster deaths, or anything really limiting the 'puppet master' players from jumping between cyberdemons instantly
• They're more mobile than the monster AI-- faster and seemingly no pain chance so their attacks can't be interrupted
• They have infinite ammo

Here's me standing by a doorway for two minutes while a couple guys playing as Barons of Hell spammed fireballs around the corner. No strategy; no fun. 'Still a lot of work to be done, guys.

Our Audience

I'm so proud of you guys.

War Horse OR The Horse That Stopped The Plot

War Horse: A Full and Unedited Review

I want to clear something up, right off the bat here. This is not a situation of “ If you didn’t want to see a movie about a killer pineapple, why did you get it?” ( to quote The Gingerdead man 2.) I knew what to expect from this movie. I knew that it was going to be a Horse movie, and hell I don’t mind animal films, a little tired of a premise, which is why I usually avoid them, but this promised to be the guy’s animal film. Something that combined the majesty of a horse, with the action of Saving Private Ryan.

But no, actually, fuck no, I am breaking the fuck barrier already. This movie should have been simple for Speilbergo to just piss money at and make a good film, Guys+war+horses, nothing epic, nothing groundbreaking, but a really good premise.

The first thing I want to note, is that I along with the others that watched it, were not looking to Riff the film, going into it thinking it would suck. And in fact this is how I first got the sinking feeling that it was going to suck.

The movie starts and the first thing your introduced to is some very bad accents. To the point where it feels more like the characters are in the friggen shire than any place on earth. And this isn’t helped by the lack of effort into the locations, everything seems a bit too big for the characters, whether this was bad camerawork, or something intentional, I don’t know. But right off the bad my initial reaction was hobbit jokes.

But hey, it’s a war movie right? We have to have reasons to like the characters , and care when they get some part shot off, so the sinking feeling wasn’t quite entrenched.

Then comes the horse, or rather horses in question. One of the many ways you could describe this movie is a horse buddy comedy. Don’t worry though I have others.

Anyway, getting back to the horses. You know what made movies like Milo and Otis, Homeward Bound, Spirit, Black Beauty, Old Yeller, among many others? The fact that you liked the animals. The people making the film took steps to ensure that the animals seemed friendly ( with the obvious exception of the end of old yeller.) , or funny, with war horse, this just didn’t seem the case.

We don’t see much of the horse being a cute lil horse, in fact when the plot actually gets its morning coffee into it, we are already in the shire. And the horse just seems, odd. Don’t know how to exactly explain it. For one, you can tell the wranglers were told to make this horse unique , which they chose to do through giving it kind of, cat esque mannerisms. Having it rub up against people a lot, and generally act kind of cat like. This just didn’t come off right to me, much like the curse in D and D in which one’s horse becomes a carnivore, the juxtaposition of a herbivore, with a carnivore’s tendencies just seems… offputting , to put it mildly.

Then they try and make the horse seem willful, but really it just makes the horse come off as an asshole. Why? You may ask. Well , the issue is that they try and make this horse like the animals from Homeward Bound, or Milo and Otis, by making it appear smarter than your standard animal. Combine it with the horse refusing to do things, and you just have a dislike of the horse right off of the bat.

The secondary horse is a bit better, and for my money, it seemed annoyed by the first. But that may just be me projecting at this point.

So after things chill out in the shire, we get our first whiff of the plot. A war started, and apparently every fucking person in Ireland knows this horse is the only way to win. The original owner of the horse gets shafted on the price, and you notice one of the first things of the movie that gets under the skin of a film fan. The sheer fucking amount of subplots.

I could wait till the end, but here is a good place to point it out. Get used to the 20 minutes of one person , then jumping to the next. This horse, it is an attention whore, it doesn’t care if it is the good guys, the bad guys, or anyone in between, it just wants to get as many subplots into its life as possible. It knows it is the best horse in the shire, and wants to advertise this fact.

This is about the point, that I , in still trying to like this movie made the guess that “ The plot is on its way.” Surely we were over the introduction stage of every war movie, and we would soon see this horse stomping German corpses in no time.

Fuck, No.

This Is the point where it starts to feel like the movie is fucking with you. There are no less than three scenes , in which you think a battle is going to occur, but they pan back, and it is a training exercise, or just looked like a battle. It is as if the director is dangling the possibilities of this movie in front of you, then yanking them away at the last second, and laughing.

After a period of time that is both too long, and not long enough to give a shit about what is going on, we actually get a battle. Seriously, a real battle. Well, maybe that is being a bit too generous.

We get swords that look like they were straight out of a high school metal shop, slashing deaths that are straight out of a old, BAD , kung fu flick, and the cinematic equivalent of premature ejaculation when you realize that the battle is going to be short lived.

They charge in on horses, slash at some folks, then reality makes a harsh appearance, as the camp full of gents with guns realize that it is just blokes on horses with shit swords coming after them.

This is one of the biggest thorns in my ass about this movie. 99% of the time , realism is spat upon in favor of plot. The only times it seems to come up is when it would save money for an action scene. Then there is the fact that, when you think about it for a moment, our brave hero’s first act, is to pearl harbor a group of soldiers, with blunt slashing weapons. Not only making them dishonorable, but dumb as fuck to boot.

So now the horse is a german horse. Same shit, different country, I guess the horse was just glad to be out of the shire.

We see a couple of people, or rather hear, as it is behind a windmill shot, and the horse is now a French horse. Again, I could go into the nuances of this change, how the characters were dim and uninteresting, how the evil german seemed more like a slightly bad german. But what is the point. This is the point in the movie where you realize it is just going to keep doing this. Switch to a different group of people and show how much they dig this horse.

And there is nothing special about the horse, other than its offputting body language, and kind of dickish attitude. ( I seem to be ignoring the second horse, but I have seldom seen such a useless character. Essentially it is a non speaking straight man to the first horse.) If I were to hazard a guess, this horse simply has terrible luck and keeps running across Equinophiles, but I guess I will have to wait for the directors cut to confirm my suspicions.

So there is another half dozen subplots, and this is the point where you start to realize , this movie is shit. It is an hour and 20 minutes in, there has been one battle, worth about 4 minutes, and 1 hour 16 minutes of subplots. Even if the rest of the movie, which is still an hour and ten minutes is pure gold, its still going to suck.

After you choke down another subplot or two you nearly shit your pants as they return to one, out of the blue, sans fucking horse.

Your thrust into a world war 1 battle, a real, for the love of chirst battle. Sure the movie only has about 50 minutes left to go, but this is what you want to see. Guys are getting shot, blokes are getting caught up in barbed wire, bombs go off, mustard gas is hanging out like a more pleasant version of the smell, and what your feeling isn’t so much surprize, as relief, holy fuck its actually a war movie. You know, like the title would imply.

So now, you kind of shrug off your previous bitterness, and if you’re a real film buff you might even find yourself thinking “ You know, the juxtaposition of the shire life with the battles, is actually a pretty good idea.”. But then you find yourself thinking , almost against your own will, like a kid saying “Bloody Mary” 3 times into a mirror, “ But where is the horse?”.

As the battle goes on for what seems like forever in comparison to the other battles ( one thing I will say the movie was great at is manipulating your sense of time, but this isn’t exactly a compliment.) this question keeps nagging at you. Sure it is cool to finally get some action, but shouldn’t we be getting some horse flavored action? Isn’t that the entire point of this fucking piece of shit? And even though you are seeing the first good part of the film, you get pissed off, where is my guy shooting a-holes from horseback, where is my soldier leaping bomb explosions on his equine companion?

Then the battle ends, we are still in a battle, for lack of a better term, but things quiet down.

And the horse, or rather the horses make an appearance. But you know what they are not doing, kicking any kind of ass , or helping in the kicking of ass. As both Trevor and Tina pointed out, Run Horse Run, is a very apt description, we get to see the horse dodge, duck, and that is about it. Fuck, replace the bombs with fences, and this is just the same horse shit we have seen in every other fucking horse movie.

Time for a bit of a sidetrack.

There is a scene I neglected to mention when the horse is a French horse. In which the horse either can’t, or won’t jump over a 1 foot barrier for a little girl. After watching it leap around like a parkour practitioner , again, you feel this horse is just an asshole.

The good horse I don’t talk about much dies, I think, it wasn’t quite clear. And then comes the big fucking scene , that was ripped straight out of The Dog Who Stopped The War.

The shit horse gets stuck in some barbed wire. In any other animal movie, even if I wasn’t digging it, I would want to see the horse saved. But not this fuckin horse, nothing it has done to date in the movie has endeared it to me.

So both sides decide to stop firing, and send the two most obsessed with this horse members out to save this horse. This is a long drawn out scene, that is reminiscent of every defusing the bomb scene ever, with the exception of the fact that it has no tension. It is even stated that the horse is not going to die from the wounds, but rather if it is done improperly, the horse will simply be hurt. For my money, I think jigsaw’s grandfather set up this trap.

After this drags right the fuck on, the two soldiers, one german, one from the shire. Get into a bit of an argument about who gets to keep the horse. At one point one mentions a bare knuckle boxing match in the middle of the battlefield to decide this.

My heart leapt, fuck that is a cool idea. These two soldiers in the middle of a cease fire, in a blood and corpse soaked battlefield, duking it out, no gloves for this god damn equine magguffin. May not make the movie a classic , but would have bumped it up from a 2.5 to a 4.5. If you think anything like me, you now are on the edge of your seat, maybe the movie won’t be worth it, but at least it will have one really cool scene.

No, fuck that. Apperantly in the god damn shire , bare knuckle boxing is not fair play. ( fucking ironic considering that all shire jokes aside, where they are in the film is known for bare knuckle boxing.) And instead of having a sweet fistfight in a battle field, Asshole and Der Asshole, decide to play rock paper scissors. Asshole wins, subplot over.

The end of this movie ( which really should have been a shot of Asshole after the fistfight.) really cements in its absurdity. Everyone on the fucking planet wants this horse, there is a bidding war, more cementing in just how much everyone would kill and rape their own grandmother for this horse. The end, but you know dragged out for another half hour.

This movie had so much premise, pretty much a guaranteed success if done right. But it simply wasn’t. Any movie that is 2.5 hours long , yet somehow has too many sub plots, is just a catastrophy of film making. And a good example of how much Spielburg is getting by on just being speilburg. Make it shiney, pimp it out, rake in the profits.

War Horse, a 2012 Oscar Nominee

The trailers and the title really tricked me this time. The movie should have been called something like "War, Horse." I can understand the film takes place during a period of war, but you hardly see any of it, and the horse had little to do with it. Even the strongest theme implies horses no longer belonged in war. Really, "See Joey Run" would have been the better title. I don't mind seeing a cheesy horse-love flick, just don't tack on a war if the actual war part is basically a big comedy routine.

Even at the price of $0.00, it felt like a generous 3/10 that I wish I didn't sit down with the guys and watch. I don't even think I want to get it for my mom now like I was planning, and she freaking loves horses.

Again, I apologize for not writing a real review, but for stuff this shitty it's difficult to put it into a thousand words. Just don't see it if you were expecting a film that focuses on horses' roles in war. Maybe Risexual can do it justice with one of his long tangents if he feels like contributing his opinion

Warhorse Review.

Run, Horse, Run! -BORING.

Its all Risexual's fault.

P.I.T. Episode 9

REPORT ON THE DISAPEARANCE OF MAXWELL PON A.K.A. DARKSIDE , MOSQUITO

BACKGROUND: This report is to further look into the disappearance of E.J.A ( Extra Judicial Agent) Maxwell Pon, A.K.A. Darkside, Mosquito.

This agent feels that some background information in regards to the life of Maxwell ( hereafter referred to as Darkside, Mosquito, or Max, dependant upon identity at the time.) , is appropriate to give some insight into a situation that has , up until this point gone fairly unnoticed.

As most know Max was the son of Rae Pon, and Terak unit #x367. Though not the first incident of cross species breeding , Max was one of the first, and in the opinion of many one of the “successful” progeny created between Terak and human. (As we are all familiar with Simon Deacon, A.K.A Gravedigger, I do not believe a discussion of failed progeny is necessary.)

Much focus is placed on Max’s father, but in the opinion of this agent, Rae Pon , A.K.A Samurae’s genetics should not be discounted in regards to the ability, personality, or life of Max.

It has been theorized that above and beyond being in E.J.A category 2 (For all those who choose not to keep up on internal memoranda, the most recent definition of this level is between 150 and 225 % of average human strength, with no obvious abilities beyond that of a standard human.) Rae also possessed some form of minor shape shifting. This point of view is strengthened when one realizes that Rae was born in the state of Hawaii , to Hawaiian parents, yet all phenotypic traits displayed are that of the Japanese. It has been argued that her choice of identity has influenced this, but the facts remain from a phenotypic standpoint, despite having no Japanese heritage, Rae has and continues to display phenotypic traits of the Japanese.

Unit x367, was a typical Terak, stranded after the Terak war, and like many of his kind, chose to make a life on earth, and engage in the activities of an E.J.A. His physical stature was approximately 7 feet, ( again, due to the age of the Terak war, and the ensuing purges of the Terak, some reading this may very well need a refresher on the physical characteristics of the Terak. In short, as I do not feel the need to re write the copious volumes on the Terak, remember their bodies are comprised mainly of absorbed creatures, mainly these will be the Krent, the creatures the Terak have traditionally chosen to parasitize. Reason being, the Krent’s abundance of chitin. ), and the distinguishing deviation ( term for the absorbed parts in regards to Terakian anatomy. ) for unit x367 was two large, prehensile chitinous appendages, commonly used by x367 in combat for both stabbing, and grappling.

Max’s childhood was an eclectic mix of Terak and Japanese warrior culture. (As it seems I am the only one who keeps up on Terak culture, I will note , for the ease of the reviewing agents, that it consists mainly of a predisposition to polarization. Neither good nor evil is frowned upon, moderation, can be said to be the ‘evil’ of Terak culture.) And unlike most Terak hybrids, Max was found to retain the Terak ability to absorb other multi cellular creatures. Though to a much lesser extent. (this will be further explained later in the report.)

This lead to an interesting situation, in which unit x367 actually stole a Krent from the Chicago laboratory, in order to further keep Max ingrained in the Terak culture. So much so, that Max is the only known hybrid to have successfully (If not to as great of an extent as a true Terak.) completed the Ka’methar (It can be thought of as the Bar-mitzvah of Terak culture, in which a Terak first absorbs a Krent.).

His absorption of the krent manifested in his right arm becoming a highly chitenous , secondary ingestion orifice. Beyond allowing him to consume and absorb some of the traits of a multi cellular creature, it had shown itself to be effective in both offensive and defensive combat. And seemingly at will Max had the ability to use it as a functional appendage , or ingestion orifice , via a quick re arranging of the bones and organs contained in the arm. Though this process seemed very unpleasant for Max.

As we all remember from a few decades ago Max became an E.J.A at a young age, taking the name Mosquito, and garbing himself in a red themed ensemble , generally acting as a companion or “sidekick” to older E.J.A’s. Though after his second year of this, he joined the group “Schoolyard”, consisting mainly of younger E.J.A’s.

Having a rather charismatic personality, coupled with the slightness of his transformation ( at this time, the only manifestation was that of a small sharp proboscis on the right arm, full transformation did not take place until much later.) made him somewhat of a fad. And I am sure no one will disagree with this, as anyone reading this, more than likely has boxes of Mosquito toys, comic books, etc. From their own children.

Unfortunately for Max, with the onset of puberty came the onset of more Terakian physical and personality traits. He became highly territorial, confrontational, and in the opinion of this agent, insane. The appearance of his now well known right arm, did nothing to help this, and due to image concerns he was ejected from “ Schoolyard”.

After the ejection, Maxwell had chosen the identity Darkside, consisting of a rather unimpressive mix of thrift store clothing, covered by a rather large trenchcoat, to partially hide the Terak right arm. He attempted to continue work in new York, but he found himself in consistent conflict with other E.J.A. , as he became increasingly more feral and territorial.

At this point I would like to give an opinion. And that is that his upbringing is the only thing that stopped a transition from E.J.A to criminal.

After several large scale incidents that almost caused his E.J.A. status to be revoked, Darkside then moved to Michigan, and took domain over a small town, Archibald. It is worth noting that he developed an unhealthy obsession with a local religious figure “Brother sid” and to a greater extent his sister “ Marie Sidel”. Though that is a situation that would require its own report.

While not impressive, during this time, it can be said that Darkside was a benefit to society. His encounters with empowered criminals were scarce, but he made himself useful in destroying “regular” crime. Though in a manner that pushed the boundaries of the Toronto Accord quite a bit. And after 5 years managed to completely eradicate a methamphetamine epidemic that was plaguing the town.

Unfortunately , due to his territorial nature, Darkside was brought into conflict with E.J.A’s Gattling ( A.K.A. Hank Green.) and Morose ( A.K.A Eric McGuiness.). Both Gattling and Morose were attempting the capture of E.C. Mesmer, who had , at this time, managed to gain control of a large number of civilians and was fleeing, as to Mesmer’s plan, little is known. But it has been theorized, that he was attempting to cause this very conflict. In the opinion of this agent that is not a likely scenario.

During the start of the encounter between Gattling, Morose, and Mesmer, Mesmer set the bus full of civilians to collide with a city bus. This I do believe was intentional to bring Darkside into the fray, Mesmer being a rather fine tactician ( despite his moral failings) would have seen this chance to cause havoc , and possibly escape, in this agent’s opinion of course.

Little is known for sure about the next series of events, pieces put together from the reports of both Gattling and Morose , and some eye witness accounts, but either Darkside purposely crashed the bus Mesmer set in motion ( if one is to believe Gattling and Morose.) , or chose to save the bus full of people from Archibald with little concern for the other bus. ( if one is to believe the eye witnesses.)

Something about this infuriated Gattling, ( from a personal interview, it was the fact that the bus Mesmer had set in motion, had 3 times the people of the other bus. Personally, I would blame Gattling’s personality just as much as any errors on Darkside’s part.) , causing him to fire upon Darkside (For anyone new, Hank posses the ability to mitigate vibrations. Leading to, among other things, his ability to fire any weapon at any rate of fire, while maintining almost pinpoint accuracy at the effective range. Unfortunately , as we will see, Hank is no longer a field agent due to injuries sustained during this encounter.).

A battle ensued, in which Darkside, to his credit, attempted to fight in a non lethal fashion, and even escape at one point. But the combination of Gattling, and Morose ( For those unfamiliar with Eric, he can convert his physical pain into mental stress and project this to an enemy. Creating effects ranging from rage to cowering in fear.) escape was not possible.

A burst from gattling caused an explosion at a nearby gas station, killing 2 people and injuring 8 more. This caused darkside to attack gattling with more fervor, eventually subduing him, and despite the best efforts of Morose, darkside proceeded to break all Gattling’s limbs in such a way that all bones in his body with the exception of the skull and collar bone were riddled with spiral fractures. These wounds never healed ( and even our best medics say, never could have healed.) properly, leaving Gattling with twisted, semi functional limbs. Due to this injury, Gattling now works as an instructor, as walking, let alone firing a weapon in combat is no longer possible.

This incident, caused us to send out an E.J.A. Judicial committee to review Darkside’s actions, this caused Darkside to go underground, and while we indeed could and did track him. It was thought better to let sleeping dogs lie, versus take a chance of another incident causing the death of civilians.

After approximately 6 months though, Darkside dropped off our radar’s. And no venue of attempting to find him, normal, psychic, or otherwise, has yielded any results.

SUGGESTED ACTIONS: Some may think this is simply the disappearance of a second rate E.J.A who caused conflict , it is the opinion of this agent that there is more to this issue than meets the eye. How did he manage to suddenly give our organization the slip? Who could have possibly helped him? And how did a person who has a biological imperative ( as opposed to just a morality, which we know can be changed and manipulated.) to commit good acts, simply ignore this for so long?

These are all questions that we need to ask ourselves in regards to this disappearance.

CONCLUSION: It is the opinion of this agent that further research into the location, and circumstances surrounding the disappearance of Darkside, be done. Not only is it disconcerting to think of an E.J.A of that level of power running unwatched, ( despite claims to the contrary, this agent feels that Darkside only seemed somewhat underpowered due to his circumstances. ) but to think that there is an organization that has the ability to hide someone well enough that we cannot find them, is a thought that nearly demands further attention.